NEW-YORK – New York City -the center of the universe. Every year, thousands of people move to the Big Apple to make their dreams come true.

First year is awesome, you made a ton of new best friends who love to hang out, sleep right to left and party until late hours.

The second year, you settled down a bit, got rid of the balls among your friends, and you found yourself a charming little 9m2 apartment.

Your third year is fun, but not as much as it used to be, and the reality is slowly starting to gain traction: you haven’t taken a day off in a month’s work, but you still can’t pay your rent. If you can do it here, you’ve been told you could do it anywhere, but “making it” here means never having money, not eating for days because you can’t afford it, and hope that the mysterious irritation on your leg that has arisen since moving into that new apartment will magically go away, because you don’t have health insurance with your new job. Maybe New York isn’t quite as great as you think it turns out to be. Here’s why :

There are only two seasons in New York: unbearable heat and bitter cold. Spring is pleasant for three days, then it turns to rain for weeks, then the heat sets in and the streets smell of piss and vomit. Fall is worse. You have four beautiful days and you start to say to yourself: “Ah, I love autumn!”. And then it starts to rain, then it’s sleet, then snow, and it’s winter and you won’t be leaving your apartment for four months. Next time I hear someone exclaim, “Fall is my favorite season in New York City,” not only will I remind them of the endless rainy days, but I’ll also give them a slap in the face.

This is the best place to be if you are having a good day …

But if you are having a bad day, be really careful because New York is going to make your day 10 times worse than when it started. Have you just been fired? Have no fear, on your way home New York will make sure it rains or snows, and since you lost your 400th umbrella of the year and refused to buy a new one, here you are. soaked. And it does not stop there! The metro won’t work, you’ll run into thousands of tourists having no idea where they’re going on your way home, and at least ten homeless people all owning iPhones will ask you for a dollar.

There are too many homosexuals

I love gays, I am one myself! And yet, all gay people in America feel like they have to move to New York to be accepted. Result? Hundreds of thousands of sex-crazed men, more interested in going out and partying than in a relationship. So while you have a few more options than if you went out to, say, Fayetteville, Arkansas, maneuvering in New York’s gay community is more difficult than trying to watch an entire episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (a show electing the best drag queens).

Everybody’s talking bullshit

Everyone in New York has a story to tell, but most of them are made-up bullshit. Let’s be clear, when you live on Manhattan Island you are bound to be special, but the things that people here are able to say to draw attention to themselves are delusional and usually only half-true. I know this very well because I am one of those people.

Everybody works like crazy

Anyone who moves to New York wants to shine no matter what their field, even if it’s a city that truly raises the cream of the crop. You really have to work like hell to be successful, but working is difficult, time consuming, and takes away the time you might be putting on a hair mask or sleeping with your hot neighbor.

It’s crammed with great restaurants

Which is great, unless you have severe Attention Deficit Disorder and it takes you so long to decide that instead of landing in a fabulous place you end up eating at Renaissance Diner. on 54th Street and 9th Avenue for the fourth time this week. Not that this has ever happened to me, eh.

It is the epicenter of culture

New York has more to offer culturally than any other city in the world. However, I don’t care what people say, nobody actually likes going to a dance performance, an opera or an exhibition. If you’ve been to the opera this year it’s only because your boyfriend had a free ticket and, “It’s a typical New York thing to do and there’s no right thing to do. evening elsewhere tonight “. Suddenly, you took the ticket but you did not pay for it since you are anyway too broke to offer yourself this kind of stuff, even if you have three jobs. Deep down, you know that you’d rather watch the Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark musical. Don’t frown. You know it is. As bad as the crap is, people who throw themselves off the ceiling at the risk of dying just to distract you is far more exciting than a fat woman singing in a language you never bothered to learn. Come on, admit it, it’s okay, no one is going to criticize you … No one except your friend who invited you to the opera and thinks “musicals are crap”, so ‘he secretly listens to the Starlight Express soundtrack every night before bed, just so he can openly laugh at you and not sound like a hypocrite.

People would do anything to get attention

Including sleeping with anyone to gain popularity, making a fake profession to feel special, or monopolizing social media to gain more followers to feel more important. Well, guess what? Your Twitter followers aren’t going to pay your rent, boo. Everyone in New York wants to feel important, but you know what? You are as insignificant as the rest of us.

New York is home to all of this country’s mentally unstable girls

It’s not uncommon to hear women chatting in the street every day and saying things like, “OMG, Tiffany (They’re still called Tiffany), Roger never called me back. I stayed two hours in in front of his apartment last night I saw the lights were on and I kept calling him but he never picked up. But no it’s not creepy, I’m just trying to play it cool to me “. Or, “Margot, I think Peter got me pregnant last night but I’m too scared to go to the clinic to find out, so I’m just going to say it does, hope he put the ring on your finger and then I’ll improvise. ”So I suggest that the New York Department of Health start delivering Valium to all the single, desperate women who haunt the streets of New York every month. And by women, I also mean gay men, and by gay men, I mean myself.

People are snobs for no reason

If I still hear someone say, “Brooklyn? I’m not going there for all the love or the money in the world!” I will say, “Really? You haven’t come out of the belly. your mother on Manhattan Island. In fact, you were born in a shitty backwater out of Gary, Indiana, which by the way just happens to be the most rotten place in the world. Sugar on Brooklyn’s back, bitch! It’s way cooler than where you’re from, whatever it is. “

Yes, New York sucks. But it’s a bit like methamphetamine. Once you have tasted it, even if you know it is very bad, you cannot live without it.


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