News Sexuality: I no longer find my wife erotic, what...

Sexuality: I no longer find my wife erotic, what should I do?

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In our column "bedroom view"
 Sex therapist Angelika Eck regularly answers your questions
to love, sex and partnership. Because nothing becomes more common
silent. We want to change that.

Matthias W., 46:

I'm already afraid of the Shitstorm when I ask, but I think it's a real problem that maybe not only I have. So I write anyway. I have been married to my wife for 15 years, we have three children. Our sex life knew ups and downs, but overall was good and has not really worn out over the years. I always found my wife very attractive. Unfortunately, that changed in the last year. Due to an illness and its treatment, she quickly gained over 15 kilos. Your body has changed, even your face has changed. I wish I didn't mind because I love her and would like to keep wanting. But I don't succeed. Your fullness repels me, so I avoid sexuality or intimate touch. I'm sorry because she will notice that for sure. But what should I do? If we wanted to have sex, I wouldn't get an erection right now. I lack this level of our relationship and I think it would be an important buffer for other difficulties. I don't know how to solve this problem – do you have an idea?

I no longer find my wife erotic, what should I do?
© Anne-Sophie Stolz

Why should there be a shit storm here? I do not read your lines as that of a macho who expects a flawless sex object in his partner, but as that of a loving, loyal man in an erotic development crisis. Incidentally, this is not yours alone, but a couple crisis. Solving the situation on its own will not be possible, because progress depends on three things: how your wife deals with the changes in her body, how you gain erotic flexibility as your partner, and how courageously and intimately you can communicate with each other.

You will surely notice that I avoid the concept of problem and instead speak of developments. Because you are going through a somewhat brutal time-lapse, which no long-term couple is spared: the erotic adaptation to physical decline. Couples are usually able to get used to changes in the body and to maintain or rebalance their sexual attraction to one another. How does that work? Mostly creeping, a little belly here, some new wrinkles there – and a lot of memory and attachment. We get used to it and weight differently over time, let go of old qualities and find other things more important.

Since neither of you had this time: be gracious to yourself. Why should you have resigned yourself to this at the moment? Why should you both already like sex under the new conditions? Allow yourself a little alienation and grief. The main thing is that you don't separate yourself. I see this as the greatest risk. In an effort to save each other from unpleasant confrontations, but which are tacitly in the room, avoidance and silence move in when it comes to holding together.

It will make a huge difference for you how much your partner can make friends with your current body or not. The more she accepts his forms, the more freely she will move and dress, the sooner she will be able to relax and enjoy again. It is attractive. What I write so easily here is not an easy undertaking. Nevertheless, this is exactly the job of your wife that no one can relieve her of, perhaps least of all you.

Now for what you can do yourself. First: accept your rejection as the current status quo and invest your energies wisely. sexuality is much more than a physical act. The bridge to your further desire for your wife consists of the treasure of your previous experiences, your own sensual abilities and especially your love for her. The erotic nature of a person is only marginally expressed in their body shapes. It's about how she inhabits the body, moves it, shines out of it, how she laughs, looks, what thoughts and language she uses, how she smells, what fantasies she has, what she loves and how she expresses this love able, and, and, and. In short: in what special way it is alive. You are sure to have millions of memories of your wife's living moments. Just because there is a little more meat around now, it can't all be gone.

It is your job and your privilege to tease out the familiar. This does not have to mean that you have sex with each other right away. It would mean that you play, laugh, tease and look at your wife with love and respect. That also sounds easier than it is, you have to be a bit brave. Your senses can help you: What do your eyes like most about this woman? What does her voice sound like? How good can you smell them? Where does your skin feel the most tender? Where does it feel new? What could be interesting about the new quality? Would your penis feel a difference in her vagina compared to before? What would he feel pleasantly?

Erotic is more than a physical act. For example, a mental penetration, an intimate mutual revelation, a communicative act. It is by no means just about fun and easy-going pleasure. All existential sensations are potentially the subject of erotic experiences. You can be sad and still stroke and look each other in the eye. You may be afraid of not being aroused and show yourself with it. You can stand the shame of your wife, and when she realizes that you are an upright, not evasive counterpart in these feelings, your contact will be very deep and intimate.

Maybe a shit storm is waiting for me now, but: old age, illness and death await us all. To face these existential facts with courage and to choose to connect instead of singularly is: erotic.

. (TagsToTranslate) sexuality (t) relationship (t) partnership (t) Erotic

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