Decoding the Dinner Guests: A Ranking

Here’s a ranking of those dinners, from most to least likely to end in polite conversation – and what they reveal about the year that was.

10. Kellyanne Conway: A Heavenly Gathering

Guests: Jesus, her grandmother

The first appearance of Jesus on these hypothetical dinner tables belongs to Kellyanne Conway, who anticipates a lively theological debate. Interestingly, the episode also introduces a recurring theme: the surprisingly complex question of whether Jesus qualifies as “dead or alive.” The arrival of a new, Chicago-style Pope this year only adds another layer to this ongoing discussion. Is this a theological debate for the ages, or simply a reflection of a deeply polarized society?

9. Kash Patel: Hockey Heroes and Hero Sandwiches

Guests: The entire 1980 Miracle on Ice men’s hockey team

“Who are you?” one can easily imagine the hockey team asking. Kash Patel, FBI director and children’s book author (as profiled in the Washington Post), responds mid-bite of a chicken-parm hero. The conversation, predictably, stalls after his explanation of recent FBI controversies and his girlfriend’s security detail (as reported by MS.NOW). This dinner embodies the year’s penchant for blurring lines between public service and personal spectacle.

8. Cheryl Hines: Family, Fame, and a Public Health Crisis

Guests: Her grandmother Ruth, Carol Burnett, and Maya Angelou

The inclusion of a grandmother suggests a desire for grounding, but pairing her with comedic legend Carol Burnett and literary icon Maya Angelou feels… precarious. Perhaps Hines, wife of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anticipates a gentle evening. However, her husband’s controversial efforts to “reintroduce” the measles virus – a rare instance of a measles “conservationist” in a position of power – cast a long shadow over the proceedings. What does it say about our times that such a policy is even conceivable?

7. Adena Friedman: Trailblazers and Troubled Markets

Guests: Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Sally Ride

Nasdaq president and CEO Adena Friedman’s dinner features a trio of American trailblazers. While a Thanksgiving feast seems appropriate, the looming anxieties surrounding the stock market – fueled by unchecked AI investment – threaten to derail the conversation. As The Atlantic notes in a recent piece on multigenerational travel, even vacations are now shaped by economic uncertainty. Could FDR’s experience with the Great Depression inadvertently kill the mood?

6. J.D. Vance: Pandering and Historical Revisionism

Guests: Isaac Newton, Donald Trump, and Abraham Lincoln

The inclusion of Donald Trump, given his questionable grasp of history (“Abraham Lincoln did something that was a very important thing to do…”) is, at best, a cynical ploy. One can easily imagine Trump attempting to impress Lincoln with tales of his uncle’s MIT professorship and commenting on the former president’s height. This dinner encapsulates the year’s pervasive pandering and willingness to embrace historical revisionism. Vance’s broader political stances only amplify this sense of unease.

5. Jillian Michaels: Fitness, Politics, and Historical Denial

Guests: Maya Angelou (again!), Albert Einstein, and Ozzy Osbourne

The menu – French fries, red wine, peanut butter, hot sauce, and ice cream – is… questionable. But the real issue is Michaels’ defense of Trump’s directive to the Smithsonian to downplay slavery. Her comments, as reported by People Magazine, guarantee a tense evening with Maya Angelou. This dinner highlights the year’s disturbing trend of normalizing historical denial.

4. Mike Johnson: An American-Centric Dilemma

Guests: Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and George Washington

Johnson’s “very American-centric” dinner raises more questions than it answers. Is Jesus American? What role does religion play in the Constitution? And will Jesus require a translator? Amidst passing the One Big Beautiful Bill Act and navigating government shutdowns, Johnson’s admission that his brain is “like a waffle” offers a glimpse into the anxieties of power.

3. Pete Hegseth: Steak, Diplomacy, and Beard-Hating

Guests: Donald Trump, Volodymyr Zelensky, and Vladimir Putin

Hegseth’s dinner is a geopolitical powder keg. Will he refrain from lecturing Volodymyr Zelensky on his appearance? Will Putin even bother to attend, forcing Trump and Hegseth to chase him down the tarmac with well-done steak and Thousand Island dressing? Hegseth’s obsession with beard-shaving (as detailed in The Atlantic) feels almost trivial in comparison.

2. Elon Musk: Cheeseburgers, Genius, and Disaster

Guests: William Shakespeare, Nikola Tesla, and Benjamin Franklin

Musk’s rambling discourse on tiny cheeseburgers is a microcosm of his chaotic influence this year. His disastrous dismantling of USAID – resulting in hundreds of thousands of preventable deaths – casts a dark shadow over the proceedings. The inevitable clash between Musk and Nikola Tesla over the merits of innovation promises a spectacle for the ages.

1. Katie Miller: The Ultimate Enigma

Guests: Queen Victoria and ???

The most telling dinner of all. Miller’s incomplete guest list, interrupted mid-sentence, is the perfect encapsulation of 2025: tantalizingly incomplete, frustratingly opaque. The potential presence of Stephen Miller, allegedly a mayonnaise enthusiast, only adds to the surrealism. This dinner is a void, a symbol of a year defined by unanswered questions and unsettling silences.

Frequently Asked Questions About the 2025 Dinner Party Rankings

• What is the significance of the Katie Miller Podcast in understanding 2025? The podcast’s seemingly innocuous premise – the dinner party question – reveals a surprising amount about the priorities and perspectives of those in power.
• Why is Elon Musk’s dinner party ranked so highly? The potential for conflict between Musk and Tesla, combined with the broader implications of Musk’s actions this year, make this dinner particularly compelling.
• What does the inclusion of Jesus in several dinner parties suggest? The frequent invocation of Jesus reflects a growing trend of politicizing religion and using it to justify controversial policies.
• How does this ranking differ from traditional year-end lists? This ranking focuses on the personal and often bizarre choices of individuals, offering a more nuanced and revealing portrait of the year than traditional lists of events or achievements.
• Is this ranking meant to be taken seriously? While based on real events and figures, the ranking is intended as a satirical commentary on the absurdity and contradictions of 2025.