A History of the ‘Village’ Ideal

The phrase “it takes a village” gained widespread recognition through Hillary Clinton’s 1996 book of the same name, but its origins are far more complex. An NPR investigation suggested the proverb may be a modern construct, a blend of Hallmark sentiment and folklore rather than a direct translation of traditional African wisdom. Regardless of its origins, the concept has become deeply ingrained in parenting culture, often appearing in advice literature like the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, which encourages parents to “create a ‘village’ around you.”

The Changing Landscape of Family Support

While some parents are fortunate enough to build robust support networks – perhaps by relocating closer to family, as highlighted in The Atlantic, or through participation in close-knit communities – this is not the norm. The rise of dual-income households and increased geographic mobility have eroded the traditional support systems that once existed. Elliot Haspel, a child-care researcher who has written for The Atlantic, notes, “We just don’t have as many people around. There are just fewer people physically available to call.”

The Impact of Education and Distance

Highly educated women, increasingly the primary earners in many households, are more likely to live further from extended family. A 2022 Pew Research Center survey revealed that roughly a third of Americans with postgraduate degrees live more than an hour away from their families, compared to just 14% of those with a high school diploma or less. This distance makes spontaneous help – a crucial component of a true “village” – nearly impossible. Even when proximity exists, relying on aging parents for childcare can present challenges, as observed by one mother whose toddler’s antics were largely ignored by her elderly grandfather.

The Rise of ‘Buying a Village’

Faced with a lack of readily available support, many parents are turning to paid services. From nannies and house cleaners to meal delivery services like Instacart and Doordash, the “village” is increasingly being outsourced. While this provides a solution for those who can afford it, it’s hardly equitable. Moreover, a paid caregiver lacks the reciprocal nature of a true village – the willingness to help born out of genuine connection and mutual support. As Liz Suders, a mother of twins, discovered during a medical emergency, the absence of a reliable support network can have frightening consequences.

The Limits of Online Communities

Apps like Peanut aim to connect mothers, mirroring the functionality of dating apps. While offering a potential avenue for building connections, these platforms often fall short. The experience can feel superficial, akin to online dating, with an overwhelming number of options and a lack of genuine connection. As one mother admitted, she lacked the “fortitude” to navigate the complexities of forming meaningful relationships through an app.

Is the ‘Village’ Concept Fundamentally Flawed?

The persistent emphasis on building a “village” can inadvertently place the burden of responsibility on individual families, rather than addressing the systemic issues that contribute to parental stress. Shouldn’t we be advocating for policies like paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and flexible work arrangements? Instead, the prevailing narrative often implies that those who struggle are simply not trying hard enough to “find their village.” What if the problem isn’t a lack of effort, but a fundamental lack of societal support?

Do you find yourself feeling pressured to create a “village” that feels unattainable? And what systemic changes do you believe are most crucial to supporting modern families?

The expectation of a readily available support system is a relic of a bygone era. Modern families require more than just encouragement to “ask for help”; they need systemic changes that acknowledge the realities of contemporary life and prioritize the well-being of parents and children.

Frequently Asked Questions About Building a Support System