Why some parents can’t move home with their kids

A New Zealand woman is facing legal barriers to returning home with her children after a relationship breakdown in Norway, highlighting the complex risks of international relationships and the challenges of relocation disputes. The case has prompted experts to advise avoiding having children overseas.

Custody Battle Exposes International Legal Challenges

Sophia*, who has not been identified to protect her privacy, had planned to return to New Zealand with her boyfriend after studying abroad and living in Norway. After the relationship ended, she found herself legally prevented from moving home with her children due to a custody battle.

Custody experts in both New Zealand and Norway say the only way to protect oneself is to avoid having children overseas.

Sophia moved to Europe in her 20s to study and subsequently fell in love with a Norwegian man. After completing her studies, the couple moved to Norway together. She alleges the relationship later became psychologically abusive.

“It was difficult to leave him because I didn’t speak Norwegian or have friends here, not to mention the shame that I would have of admitting the situation I had gotten myself into,” she said. “So I stayed.”

While planning to co-own a house and expecting their first child, the couple drafted a relationship agreement outlining their shared property, finances, and future family plans. The unsigned agreement discussed spending time in both Norway and New Zealand before deciding where to settle permanently.

A copy of the document, reviewed by Re: News, shows the couple’s intention to potentially move to New Zealand. However, the agreement was never signed and holds no legal weight in the case.

The father’s lawyer stated, “The father has never agreed to or expressed a wish to relocate permanently to New Zealand. The mother has established her life in Norway, where the children were born and raised.”

Following their separation in 2024, the couple engaged in a custody dispute, with both the District Court and Court of Appeal in Norway determining that relocating the children to New Zealand was not in their best interests.

“I thought I did everything right. But I’m still stuck,” Sophia said.

Turn for the Worse

After having a second child, Sophia alleges the relationship became more controlling. When she expressed a desire to move to New Zealand as a family, her partner refused, repeating the refusal the following year.

“I insisted we go,” she said. “He had visited New Zealand in the past. He knew how important it was to me.”

The Court of Appeal judgment detailed a situation in 2024 where the father and his family did not return the children to Sophia at an agreed time during Easter and concealed their location. They also took control of the children’s passports, fearing Sophia would take them to New Zealand. The court acknowledged this was an overreaction.

“It is also highly understandable that the way dad’s family handled this situation destroyed mum’s faith in them, and that she has not felt safe these last couple of years,” the Court Appeal judgment stated.

This conflict led to the couple’s separation in early 2024, and Sophia briefly stayed in a crisis shelter. She also connected with a support service for victims and perpetrators of abuse.

“I would never have ended up in a refuge in New Zealand. I had nowhere else to go,” Sophia said. “It was a crisis, and they were the ones who helped.”

“I never would’ve stayed this long [in the relationship] if I could’ve just gone to my parents. But I was afraid that if I left, we’d be stuck,” Sophia said.

The father’s lawyer stated to Re: News: “The police did not initiate a [criminal] case after speaking with the mother [about the alleged abuse]. Similar allegations were presented in the lower court, and both parties and claims have been assessed by several professional and judicial instances. The findings showed that the parties are considered equally capable parents, and that the children have strong bonds with both parents.”

The Court of Appeal ruled that Sophia cannot relocate with her children to New Zealand because it determined the children “will have the most robust care base with mum in Norway and dad in the same neighbourhood. This arrangement will best secure the children’s childhood and development.” The court noted Sophia’s established job, housing, and connections in Norway.

The father also argued that being “forced” to move to New Zealand could impair his ability to function, negatively impacting both Sophia and the children.

The Court of Appeal cited the potential loss of contact with the father as the biggest risk of relocation, as he had not decided whether he would move to New Zealand.

The Court has established a detailed schedule for holiday time between the parents, allowing Sophia to take the children to New Zealand for up to four weeks, including an extended stay of up to six months, which the Court found “would be in the children’s best interests.”

Introducing: The Hague Convention

Sophia’s fear of being unable to return to New Zealand with her children is not unfounded. The Hague Abduction Convention, a 45-year-old international treaty involving over 100 countries, aims to prevent international child abduction.

Initially, it aimed to prevent non-primary caregivers from abducting children after a relationship breakdown, facilitating the swift return of children to their usual residence. Traditionally, this involved fathers abducting children from mothers.

The law proved effective by expediting cases through congested courts without requiring extensive evidence. However, a 2021 study revealed that the majority of ‘taking’ parents are now mothers (75%), with almost all (94%) being the primary or joint-primary caregivers.

Many of these mothers are fleeing domestic violence. Research by Globalarrk found that 91% of mothers relocating children had experienced some form of abuse, with 37% reporting physical abuse.

An exception to the convention can be granted if a judge determines that returning the child would expose them to physical or psychological harm or an intolerable situation. However, domestic violence is not specifically addressed, and a “grave risk” must be established for the exception to apply.

This can result in children being returned despite the ‘taking’ parent fleeing domestic violence.

Hague Convention ‘Past Its Use-By Date’

New Zealand family law barrister Alex Ashmore says the Hague Convention was founded on “wild optimism about international comity” but has been “eroded enormously” over time. He believes it struggles to adapt to modern realities and the complexities of international relationships, particularly in high-conflict situations.

“The Convention was designed to short-circuit long custody battles. It’s not about what’s best for the child,” he says. “It’s been gradually unravelling over the last 15 years because of concerns about domestic violence, political reasons, and the rise of child advocacy.”

Increasingly Difficult to Relocate Families

Sophia’s lawyer, Else-Marie Merckoll, a family lawyer in Norway specializing in international family law and child abduction, says it has become increasingly difficult for families to obtain permission to relocate from Norway in recent years.

“In Norway, we have a lot of focus on the children having good contact with both parents. That is really important, it’s the main aim,” she says. “So that makes getting permission for one parent to relocate really difficult – especially when it is so far away.”

Merckoll says it could be easier for Sophia to relocate to a country neighboring Norway. “Moving to the other side of the world makes it much more difficult because it will be harder for both parents to have easy access to the children,” she says.

She suspects these cases are more common than reported, as many families do not pursue legal action due to the difficulty and expense.

Sophia has spent over $100,000 on legal fees in the past two years, with financial support from her parents.

Psychological Abuse is the Hardest to Prove

Merckoll says successful relocation cases in Norway are rare and typically involve situations where the children had limited contact with the father or the relationship was marked by violence or substance abuse.

While Norway’s courts consider domestic abuse, psychological abuse is more difficult to prove, leaving parents feeling trapped.

No Contract Can Decide What Is Best for a Child

Drafting an agreement about future plans is common, but Merckoll says it is not legally binding. “It is all about what the court decides is in the best interests of the children, not what was agreed years ago.”

Ashmore says he often advises clients that “kids aren’t televisions” and that you cannot contractually determine a child’s living arrangements.

He also notes a growing focus in New Zealand on children’s connections to both parents, making relocation cases more challenging.

Both experts advise avoiding having children with someone overseas to prevent these situations. “Find someone from your own country, it makes everything much easier,” says Merckoll. “If you get pregnant, say you have to move to have the baby, otherwise you risk being trapped there.” Ashmore adds: “There’s nothing you can really do to protect yourself. Honestly, I would just marry the person on your street.”

‘We Say It’s Equal, But It Ignores the Reality of Who’s More Vulnerable’

Sophia believes the system overlooks power imbalances. “I don’t have family here, I don’t have the support he has. So I feel alone,” she said. Despite her privileges, she says this could happen to anyone and wants to raise awareness to prevent others from facing similar challenges.

Where to Get Help

1737: The nationwide, 24/7 mental health support line. Call or text 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor.

Women’s refuge. Call the free crisisline on 0800 733 843.

Are you Okay. Call their 24/7 helpline on 0800 456 450.

Suicide Crisis Line: Free call 0508 TAUTOKO or 0508 828 865. Nationwide 24/7 support line operated by experienced counsellors with advanced suicide prevention training.

Youthline: Free call 0800 376 633, free text 234. Nationwide service focused on supporting young people.

* Sophie is not her real name – it is used for privacy reasons.